Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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