I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
