you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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