This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
