the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
