I faked an abortion last night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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