I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
