she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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