I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
