Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
