My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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