did you get engaged???
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
