Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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