Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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