The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
