Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
