Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We're too hungover to prance.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
