What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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