just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
