Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
