proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
