So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
