dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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