There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
