Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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