Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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