you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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