You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
