As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
