You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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