i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
