dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
