I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
