i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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