youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
