i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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