Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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