How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
