The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
