who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
