ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
