does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
