WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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