I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
