I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
