I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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