you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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