I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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