He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
