How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What did we do last night that was yellow?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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